THE EXECUTIVE BEGGAR

That happened to me this morning. I was near the train station, hurrying up to make copies of some exercises for my pupils and I saw him at “Plaza de España”. He was sat on a crumpled blanket, opposite the main gate to Palma train station and dressed in his “work uniform. There was a handwritten sign in front of him: “I am a poor man who has 5 kids. Please, help me”. I happened to see him at break time, when civil servants have a coffee. He was smoking a cigarette and discussing business on his last generation mobile. Unconsciously, I had a look at his shoes. And yes, they were newer than mine.  

We live in an extraordinary society which makes business out of the most awful. Anything goes: a good marketing expert is capable of disguising the most obnoxious as friendly. This is called “making a virtue out of a necessity”.

Having such boldness is nothing new. Back in 2004, while I was still living in Frankfurt, a friend told me that she had seen a van that very morning “unloading” beggars at “Konstablerwache” Square and placing them, one by one, in their usual working positions. Her testimony explained that totally handicapped people were able to get to their job positions every day and promptly go away as soon as the shops closed.

It is not necessary to go abroad to see something of the sort. Those who have lived in Madrid at some point of their lives have heard the same speech and the same musical selection from each of the beggars who were busking in the subway. I have always found astonishing that ALL OF THEM can afford a good stereo with loudspeakers and "in a band sound".

And, just at the right moment, when I was reflecting about the current professionalization of begging, one of the most classical beggars of Palma turned up. It was a skinny, tall man in his fifties who always asks aggressively for a little help (“una ayudeta”), assaulting his victims with intimidation and giving insults away when he does not obtain what he wants.

- Give me a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help, a little help…

I decided to answer back exactly as the tough cyclist would have done:

-          Give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me, give that help to me,

The beggar cackled.

And that’s all folks.

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Copyright Luisa Fernández Baladrón



 

A SHADY BUSINESS

In fact, Javier’s impression was not so crazy. Last week we were talking about the last mobile phone I was stolen in Blanquerna street at the beginning of October and he said:  “Either you are too absent minded or there’s someone following you around”.

Today, I came five minutes in advance to some student’s home. Thus, I was not surprised when nobody answered the entry phone. I was about to rang again when someone approached. It was a guy in his early twenties, about six feet tall, dark bearded, with thick, well trimmed moustache and hair and big, black eyes. The boy stand in front of the entry door in haste and tried to push it. I stand back and I did not call the entry phone anymore.

-          Aren’t you going to open? – he said

-          Sorry, I haven’t got a key.

-          Don’t you live here?

-          No, I don’t – I replied.

-          I am the neighboor of the first floor. I’ve been with that lady who lives on the second. An old lady...

-          An old lady..?

-          Yeah, well... compared to me, she is old. She might be about thirty-six. He told me to hurry up and tell you that we had to take the child to the hospital rather urgently. She told me: go and tell LUISA... because your name is LUISA, isn’t it? ... She told me: tell her to buy the medicine for the girl. She needs it desperately.

As soon as he told my name, the story began to have authenticity.

-          So... she told me to ask you to go to the pharmacy and buy the medicine.

-          You mean that she wanted me to go to the pharmacy...

-          Either you or I... but I need the twenty euros to buy the medicine.

Coincidentally, I didn’t carry any cash. This has always been the case, since I was a child... a result of my ow personality, I suppose. The young man insisted:

- I have ten euros. If you lent me ten, I would buy it.

- But I haven’t any money – I answered.

He then suggested to go to the bank and take out the money. More specifically, he mentioned the financial institution I work with and urged me to go there. That was the moment when I came to the conclussion that I didn’t like the young boy at all. I went back home, riding my “two-wheeler”, which was tied to the bicycle parking space on Blanquerna street.

The children’s mother confirmed later that the story told by the young man was absolutely false. Of course, I denounced the fact to the police station.

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Copyright Luisa Fernández Baladrón





 

 

ACHIEVING THE OBJECTIVE

That makes two more! Yesterday I got another two pupils. They came together in a hustle and bustle. I should get other eight more before the end of the year to achieve my goal. But if I want to be realistic, I should first start teaching more hours at home. By the time being, I have multiple workplaces and I work little at home.

Today, I have gone to Vodafone to communicate my new personal data. You know, my new address and telephone number, which I have actually been using since mid-October. Our data can be found in many places. Thus, when it is necessary to change them, we have no choice but doing it gradually.

So, as I was just saying, I went to the store. And I saw something absolutely amazing: a huge screen, consisting of four others, showing company ads. I imagined it at home, showing the photos I use to pre-teach vocabulary. With the word written on them and hi-fidelity loudspeakers. Woooow! The thought alone struck me! Absolutely great! So much, that I even ran to find some lottery. If I won (I told to myself) I would install them immediately... and invite the parents of all my pupils to a free lesson. And I would record it (with their permission and the help of my friend Andrés, who is capable of making Quasimodo appear as handsome) and upload the video in YouTube. I am sure there would then be candidates I could teach at home.

I came back home and checked today lottery results. Unfortunately, today it has not been possible. But nobody can take the pleasant feeling I have had today away from me.

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Copyright Luisa Fernández Baladrón

THE TENTACLE OF PIEDNIADZE

Since the fateful day when I did not prepare the young learners’ lesson enough, the principal has been reminding me the incident and reproaching my behaviour once and again. First she gave me a long lecture in the classroom; after that, she sent me a rather negative report of a page and a half; then she commented out in loud voice that never before had she seen so many downsides in a teacher.

Yesterday, shortly before the class, I was reprooved for the fourth time. The children had not arrived yet and I had already opened my laptop and logged in. I heard a voice coming from the hallway. It was the sound of a slow-pronounced English without any genuine accent and a trembling “zzz”.

-          Geeeeeehhhhh – cracked the door - Louiiiiiiiiiizzzzze! Do you also teach German? Zzzzzzz?

For a moment, I thought she wanted to suggest me a new challenge.

-          Yes, you obviously do. Because sometimes YOU MIX both languages. Zzzzz. You are probably too tired... Tiiiiiiired... You are teaching too many lessons, aren’t you? Zzzzz? Yes, this is obvious: one can see it in your face. You look soooo stressed and unhealthy. You look unhealthy and sickly. You should be careful. Otherwise, you will get ill.

Two cold eyes fixed their glance on the victim, while the “zzz sounds were trying to put the consciousness to sleep.

-          You are ugly... uuuuuggggglyyyy. You are too tired... tiiiiired. Sleep, sleeeep. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Haaaaa, ha, ha, ha!

Behind that darned old face, patched by the inexperienced knife of a plastic surgeon and those flabby arms, showing the true age of their owner, I could hear the metallic voice of the immortal money. She approached, making a schrill while she walked. A shrilling walk which would frighten children.

-          Geeeeehhh – Uuuuuuggggglyyy. Uuuuugggglyyy.

At that moment, I saw a tentacle coming out from her right eye. It was not the hook of Doctor Octopus, but the palp of Piedniaze, who is displeased by the presence of old and ugly. In fact, Piedniadze only eats the fresh meat of young and children, the energy of hard-working employees and the beauty of virgin maids. He is the one who causes wars in the middle east to sell the weapons that he manufactures. He causes abortions in Rwanda to gather hyaluronic acid and smooth his wrinkles.

I saw him getting closer and, instinctively, I walked backwards. But I got caught between Piedniadze and the wall. I felt fear, horror and then anger. He continued going forward until I had no way out. I thought of the children that were about to enter the school. They had to be prevented. We had to look for help. My heart beated. I warned him not to step further...

But it was too late. Piedniadze had already taken the last and final step forward, anticipating Halloween's night. I was dead.

-          Help! Tough cyclist! Help us, please!

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Copyright Luisa Fernández Baladrón

 

THE PERFECT PLACE

You lie on the sand, still wearing your clothes, barefoot, in any old way. You let yourself go, forgetting fashions. No tourists, no perfect lives or smart people seem to be allowed. “El Molinar” does not care how you look like or what your age is.

The great paradox is that this place has almost been bought by the rich and is still been used by the poor. Whoever has bought those tiny, once rickety (now millionaire) houses will not easily recover what they have invested: they are unlikely to be rented for a good price and selling them obtaining a profit is even more difficult. If someone can pay such high prices, they do not accept living in a small house. Thus, as long as our statesmen do not decide to put doors to the sea and build a new harbour, we can still recover from our unhealthy rest of the day in this garden. The garden of a house, where we can still close the front door and open all innen doors; that place where nothing seems to affect us.

Tomorrow the fight begins again. And maybe also the Government intention to devastate the shore and build a large port. But today we are the conquerors. “El Molinar” does still exist for us to enjoy: to skate, to swim, to walk or to make a promenade on bike along the coast.

http://www.fernandezbaladron.com/aid-with-spanish/

 

 

 

 

Copyright Luisa Fernández Baladrón

 

 

VIOLATING RULES

Today has been a criminal day.

I got up early to get some new students. If you want to acquire a new recruit and you do not count on the financial ressources of Madrid RFC you have no alternative but to hand out do-it-yourself flyers at the gate of Palma schools. I walked down “Socors” street to achieve my goal, despite of knowing that I was breaking a Mallorcan regulation which forbids the distribution of any written information in the streets. No decent MP would had ever dared to violate such regulation the way I did.

I stood near a school gate, in a quite discrete point, trying not to disturb pedestrians.

-          Good morning! – I greeted to parents accompaning their children, smiling and giving them a criminal flyer  with my guilty hand at the same time.

What took the biscuit was the presence of two local policemen at the school entry. In fact, the local government has decided to protect our children, ensuring that they cross properly and that drivers stop when they cross. Such officer’s presence is absolutely welcome. However, it is very stressful for someone who is an outlaw.

My criminal attitute increased during the day: I went to the language school were I work WITHOUT HAVING PREPARED the lessons in advance. I had struggled with serious inconvenients and had scarcely rest in the night. A Little Red Riding Hood.

Suddenly I got a call from the school principal, warning me that I would have a routine control at the young learner’s class in the evening. This was like a kick-in-the-pants. Preparing lessons for children takes a lot of time: they require a lot of games and attractive stories. And, given the fact that I still had to teach other lessons in the afternoon, I could scarcely prepare a draft and download some photographs from the internet. I always use this kind of photos to pre-teach vocabulary, adding the corresponding word (which the photograph introduces) with Picassa software. Of course, the result was predictable: an absolutely awful one. The last straw was that I called a girl by a name which was not hers. I did not even notice. I must have done it unconciously, maybe to fulfill the family tradition: telling the names of all kids, one after the other, until all have been mentioned. The correct name is always the last one to pronounce (Pablosorrycarlossorryrafasorrygalisorryluisa...). The cyclist hero would have hit me once and again with his yellow paper stick.

I rode on the bike and went to another school centre in order to teach the last class of the day. And I was still under the influence of the related negative verdict when I went home on foot, thus leaving my bike on the sidewalk.

Once at home, I decided to be condescending with myself and I made a very different balance of the day. Today I have worked in maintenance (cleaning the house), graphic arts (performance of flyers), direct marketing (flyer distribution at a school, with a permanent smile and helping mums enter baby seats into the school), general administration (calls and reorganization in order to attend tomorrow’s staff meeting), velocipedism (cycling throughout the whole city of Palma and the border area of Son Fuster to get to work), psychology (listening to complaining students). As if that were not bad enough, I have conducted five and a half hours of class. Let me make a toast to myself.  

... And I also make a toast to all my friends. I add a photograph of 2009 for the “throw back Thursday” and go quickly to search for my bike.

http://www.fernandezbaladron.com/aid-with-spanish/

 

 

 

 

Copyright Luisa Fernández Baladrón

 

THE VINTAGE EXPERIENCE

After having installed an ADSL, I had to buy a phone. Yesterday I was calling to national landlines. As soon as I got home, I took my appointment book and started dialing as many numbers as I could, until it was too late to phone a respectable person. It was as in that advertisement, many years ago, in which an impertinent child took possession of the family phone.

 -          Hi! I’m Edu! Merry Christmas!

This is one of the advantages of having a flat rate. One can have a trendy “vintage” experience for nothing and get into a trunk full of souvenirs.

Sometimes, I felt a bit embarrassed: “Do you remember me...? How are you doing... by the time being?” I rediscovered a lot of names that had been forgotten in my appointment book for a long time due to the lack of a mobile number or a Facebook connection. Anyway, I have noticed that only a few people use a landline nowadays... and that many landline numbers y had once written in my book are no longer in use.

I started putting some things in the fridge for future visits. As a grandma of the seventies, thinking what everyone likes and buying some kicknacks to offer to friends.

My current goal is to get ten more new students by the end of the year. Let’s go in for it. The countdown starts.

http://www.fernandezbaladron.com/aid-with-spanish/

 

 

 

Copyright Luisa Fernández Baladrón